


Feel Something Different

by AmaranthPrincess21



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous Relationships, Depressed!Levi, Depression, Drug Use, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicide, dead!Eren, past Eren/Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:29:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaranthPrincess21/pseuds/AmaranthPrincess21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You had been living in  the hotel-turned-apartment building long before Levi became your roommate. You both struggle with depression and while you turn to healthier methods of solace, Levi drowns himself in drugs and sex to block out the pain. With the anniversary of your fiancé Eren's death comes only darkness, pain, and ill-fated attempts of comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel Something Different

His small hands trembled as he tried to tie the tourniquet just below his elbow. His grip on the disgusting rubber ribbon was shaky at best, and one end came loose from his mouth and slapped his skin hard as if it were a mother reprimanding her son. He cursed under his breath and tried again, only to get the same result. You were sitting on his mattress, dressed up in an old period gown and trying to ignore him. He let out a shaky chuckle, turning to look at you. You avoided his eyes.

“Hey, can you help me out here?” Levi demanded. You held your breath, letting silence fall over the room. 

“You can do it. I believe in you.” _I’m not helping you shoot up,_ you thought. He kissed your neck, warm lips brushing against the rope burns and bruises on your neck. 

“You’re pretty when you’re angry,” he said seductively, abandoning his tourniquet and drugs on the small coffee table you two called your kitchen table. His fingers left ghost-like trails on your thigh as he gently pushed up your skirt. Shivers rolled down your back like beads of sweat at his touch. Levi’s thin fingers managed to undo one of your garter clasps before you pushed him away. 

“I’m not in the mood,” you told him coldly. 

“Come on, [First], wouldn’t you like to fuck right now?” he asked, reaching out to stroke your cheek. You slapped his hand away. 

“I’m not in the mood right now,” you repeated angrily. He sighed, leaning back on the mattress. 

“Okay. Hand me my cell phone, I’m gonna go out and find someone to hook up with or someone to help me shoot up. My high’s almost over,” he said. You nodded, biting your lip as you handed him the cheap contraption. 

“I’m going to go pay a visit to my fiancé’s memorial,” you said, standing up and smoothing out your dress. He slowly nodded. 

“It’s the anniversary, isn’t it?” he asked softly. You nodded curtly and he rubbed your arm gently. _Like Eren used to do when I was upset,_ you realized with a heavy heart, eyes filling with tears at the memory. 

“You want me to go with? I think the last of this high will last for a little longer, and then I can try again and shoot up when we get home.” You shook your head. _I can’t cry. Not now,_ you thought, biting your lip hard to make the tears go away. It didn’t work. 

“I’m fine going on my own,” you replied. _I don’t want you there. It would be an insult to his memory._ He shrugged, shoving his phone in his pocket. 

“Petra and Hange have some leftover clothes here; I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you wore them. I mean, they’ve never shown interest in reclaiming them,” he commented, nodding towards the huge cardboard box that was the closet. You grabbed blindly from it, pulling out a pair of Petra’s old leggings with a rip in the legs, Hange’s purple scarf, and a huge T-shirt that must have belonged to Erwin. 

“Can you help me get out of this?” you asked Levi, gesturing to your floor-length dress. He smirked. 

“You know I always like undressing you,” he said smugly. The two of you pulled the dress off. You had him unlace the corset you had on underneath while you tackled your garters and everything else. It felt weird to have him take your clothes off without it ending in sex. But it wasn’t weird enough to have you change your mind. You got dressed in his lovers’ leftovers, putting your lace up boots back on. Their scents barely lingered on the fabric; God knew how long these garments had been lying in that box. Now they smelled of Levi, of dark streets and soap, with the occasional whiff of Petra’s cotton candy perfume or Erwin’s musky cologne. You liked Erwin’s clothes the best: he smelled like your fiancé. You allowed a few tears to fall while you pulled the clothes on, wiping your eyes dry on the fabric as you pulled the shirt over your head. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” you told Levi. He nodded. 

“Okay. I’ll be here or down the street.” 

“Levi, maybe . . . maybe this lack of drugs is your chance to get clean,” you suggested. He said nothing, only giving you a dark look. 

  
  


_“Where is it?! Where did you put it?!” Levi shouted, tearing the small apartment apart looking for his stash._

_“I got rid of it,” you said. He froze._

_“You did what?” he demanded, fire in his eyes as he glared at you._

_“I flushed everything down the toilet. You need to stop doing this to yourself, Levi. These drugs are taking over your -”_

_“That was fifty bucks worth of heroin! What the fuck’s wrong with you?!” he yelled. He pushed you against a wall, silver eyes staring into your soul. You stared into his and all you could see what fear and darkness. “I don’t question you when you refuse to watch_ Titanic, _or James Cameron movies in general, or how you need to cuddle at night in order to get through the next day. Don’t question the fact I need drugs to stop the pain.”_

_“None of those things hurt me or you! Doing drugs and sticking yourself with syringes isn’t healthy! My things are okay because they’re harmless! But this hurts you and it’s not okay!” you argued._

_“We both don’t want to feel pain and we both have our different ways of dealing with it. Just let me have this,” he begged._

_“Even if I was going to cave in, I can’t give you your drugs back. They’re in the sewer somewhere,” you told him. His face fell, his bottom lip giving the most miniscule quiver._

_“Then how about we both get a fix?” His voice was everything but seductive. His dry, chapped lips left desperate and awkward kisses on your neck as trembling hands rested on your waist._

_“Levi, we can’t keep doing this,” you told him._

_“Yes we can,” he said, kissing the shell of your ear. “We both have darkness. We both want to feel something other than pain. So why not?”_

  
  


You had been living in the apartment long before Levi moved in. The building used to be a hotel until it got converted into teeny tiny apartments and with rooms and rent so cheap, it was a haven for drug and sex addicts like Levi. He never told you his full story, but you figured out after knowing him for a few months that he came from a broken home and moved out soon after turning eighteen. He was twenty-three now, a few years older than yourself, and long ago had turned to drugs and, when he couldn’t get drugs, sex for solace. 

_I hope he finds someone nice,_ you thought as the two of you exited the elevator and went your separate ways. _When he brings home a stranger they’re always so rough with him._ You remembered his battered and bruised body after the first time he’d hooked up with someone off the streets. His thin lips were bloody and he couldn’t walk or stand, but he had money and more drugs, and that’s all he cared about. Levi’s life was pleasured highs and hellish lows, and although you did your best to help him and try and get him clean, he refused to stop doing drugs and sleeping with someone to fill the void. 

_Although, I mustn’t really blame him for the sex,_ you sighed, walking towards the South Street Seaport district. _I’m guilty of that as well._ Levi was a friend, but when he needed a high and he was out of his extensive stash of drugs and when the void in your heart caused by grief threatened to swallow you up, you two would find solace in each other. Your flings weren’t for love; they were just unsuccessful attempts to make yourselves happy. They’d end with Levi looking for something to get him numb once the pleasure left his body and you crying and begging your fiancé for forgiveness. Whether he forgave you or not, you would never know. 

You certainly never really forgave yourself after every adulterous night. 

Like you suspected, the memorial was crowded with tourists are bored locals, all leaving flowers in front of the giant lighthouse. Flashes of light from cameras assaulted the white stone and weather worn plaque. There were some newscasters doing a report on the memorial. _Vultures. They’re all disgusting vultures,_ you thought vehemently as you stood near the memorial. _Only family members should be allowed here now, given it is the anniversary of the tragedy._ You could barely see the memorial from where you stood, it was so crowded. _I deserve to be closer than this. I was the one that lost the love of my life to the ship sinking. No one else lost the love of their life._

A painful ache cut the insides of your throat as a sob threatened to come up. _I’m so sorry, Eren. I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve been with you in your final moments. I wish I could have died with you._

“Lady, are you okay?” A lone little girl stood next to you, looking up at you with big, concerned eyes. You plastered a fake smile on your face. She looked just like Eren. 

“I’m fine. Just mourning for a lost family member,” you said simply before walking away. _That little girl shouldn’t see a grown woman cry._ The memorial was completely swamped on all sides and you soon gave up on finding a spot nearby. _I’m sorry, Eren. I’ll come back when it’s not as crowded._ You started to trudge back to the apartment, hoping Levi would go to his hook-up’s place and you’d have the apartment to yourself. Couples clung to each other as they walked around town, making you feel a pang of sorrow. _I should be with Eren, not walking around this Godforsaken city and staying in the place where I learned of his death,_ you thought, tears freely flowing down your cheeks. _I just want to go home, lie in bed, and stop existing._

Your eyes were brimming with tears as you remembered receiving the letter declaring Eren dead. You had been screaming and hysterical, tearing your hotel room apart as you mourned his loss. If there was one day that you wish would never have happened, it would have been the day Eren died so you would have never become suicidal. He would come to New York and you would have been Mrs. [First] Yeager the following week. You would have married him. You would have had children with him. 

Tears poured out of your eyes as you walked into the apartment’s lobby and went up the elevator. Your floor was surprisingly quiet. You couldn’t hear moans or any other indicators of Levi and one of his hookups in your apartment, so you went though the door. Levi was home, surprisingly enough. He was sitting on his mattress, pants down and stroking himself to one of his vulgar magazines you pretended didn’t exist. Face turning red, you squeaked and covered your eyes, turning your back towards him. 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize you were doing that! I am so so so sorry,” you said, full-blown sobs taking advantage of the fact you had to speak to Levi to escape. 

“Fuck,” he hissed in irritation, throwing the magazine aside and pulling his sweatpants up. “You have the worst timing, fuckface.” 

“I’m sorry. I listened at the door but I couldn’t hear a-anything so I thought it’d be okay to, you know, c-come in,” you said, gasping for air as you tried to get a hold of your sobs. Levi let out a “tch” as he went into the bathroom to wash his hands. 

“Did something happen at the memorial?” he inquired. 

“N-no, I just. I just really miss Eren,” you cried, sitting on the ground and curling up into a ball. You sobbed into your knees. Levi dried his hands and walked over to you, crouching down beside you. Putting your arms around his shoulders, you buried your face in his neck as you cried over your lost love. You nestled into his body perfectly. He put his arms around you and let you cry on him. Agony seeped from your veins into your body, infecting your entirety like a deadly virus. You didn’t want to feel the pain and loneliness anymore. And like you had done countless times before, you shakily tilted your face up to his and kissed his jaw with wet lips. 

  
  


The apartment was far from being pitch black. Light from the dingy street lamps filtered in through the cheap Venetian blinds as you and Levi lie in bed. He was curled up to you, face awkwardly smushed into the side of your breasts. Your fingers ran through his black hair as you lie awake. You weren’t tired, nor did you need sleep. But cuddles helped lessen the pain and so you did it. The 1990’s-era clock emitted red slashes of color as it kept time. _It’s two twenty,_ you read it, your stomach knotting up on itself. It’s the true anniversary now, you thought, vision blurring due to the tears in your eyes. You would never truly know at what time Eren died, but what was on his death certificate was two twenty in the morning. Levi stirred, flinching as if he were being hurt. _Oh no. It’s happening again._ Before you could prepare, Levi pushed you away, the definition of fear on his face. 

“STOP IT! IT HURTS! I’LL BE GOOD IF YOU STOP! I DON’T WANNA HURT ANYMORE!” he screamed, thrashing in bed. You gave him some room before leaning over and gently rubbing his shoulder. 

“Levi, wake up! It’s just a dream! It’s just a dream!” you repeated as you tried to wake him up from his nightmare. His eyes shot open, tears pooling quickly as he desperately tried to get a hold of his breathing. “Would you like me to make you some tea?” you asked him gently as you sat up. 

“No,” he replied. “I need a fix but I’m too drowsy to shoot up.” – He looked to you – “You wanna go for another round?” 

“You need to sleep, Levi. We’re not spending all night having sex,” you told him. 

“I can’t sleep without having something to keep the flashbacks away,” he reminded you quietly. He was visibly holding back tears and in the night’s ominous light, he looked so much more vulnerable than you had ever seen him before. Faded bruises from kinky hook ups were dotted his skin, and pale scars left by razor blades left disturbing stripes on his arms. Levi looked smaller, looking like a skeletal ghost in the poor lighting. 

“I . . . I . . . there’s some Benadryl in the cabinets. Maybe you should take some so you can sleep without sex or being high,” you said. He nodded, looking scared still but his chest heaving less and less. 

“I’ll do that,” he said. You helped him up and to the bathroom. He rifled through the cabinet while you pulled some clothes on. “Where are you going?” he demanded, eyeing you with an indecipherable expression on his face. 

“Back to Eren’s memorial. Hopefully everyone has gone home,” you replied. “I need to properly mourn him.” 

“Of course,” he said tersely. 

“I’ll be back in an hour or two.” _I have a lot of apologizing to do,_ you added in your head. 

“See you then,” he replied, grabbing the box of medicine and walking towards you. 

“See you then,” you repeated, wrapping Hange’s scarf around your neck. _Does he want something,_ you wondered, waiting for him to say something before you left. He remained silent, however, so you left the small apartment and went on your way. 

  
  


“I’m so sorry, Eren. I miss you every day and I feel so disgusted with myself for what I’ve done,” you apologized to the stone lighthouse. “I’ve tried to make myself feel better with someone else and I hate myself for it. And I hate that I feel like I need him when the pain gets to be too much. I wish I couldn’t feel anything anymore. You and I were going to get married. Have babies, retire, and die together. And instead you went down with the ship and left me all alone. I wish I had died by your side. I don’t want to keep spending my days without you. I just wish things were like how they used to be. When things were simple and when I didn’t feel constant shame and guilt and regret and darkness. You were the love of my life and I feel so disgusted with myself. I just wish we could go to the way things used to be. 

“He makes me feel what you used to make me feel and I hate myself for it. Maybe us not getting married was a good idea. This way I could have never had the chance to be unfaithful. And yet, you’re long dead and gone and I’m still being unfaithful. I’m sorry I haven’t been faithful; I’m the worst fiancée ever. I just don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m feeling! I just don’t know!” A sob wracked your body. “I-I should go home before I attract attention. I’m so sorry I’m a shitty excuse of a fiancée, Eren. I’m so sorry.” 

You stood up and hurried back to your apartment, wiping your tears away with the purple wool of Hange’s old scarf. The streets were dead, and the lobby of the apartment building was deader than a corpse. _I’ve only been gone thirty minutes. Hopefully Levi’s asleep by now._ Your rode the elevator up and went to your apartment, going through the door with ease. Levi was on his mattress, a blanket covering him and tears spilling out of his grey-blue eyes. Empty pill bottles littered the floor around him. 

“Jesus Christ Levi, what are you doing?!” you screamed, getting on your knees and throwing the blanket off of him. 

“What does it look like I’m doing?!” he barked at you as you grabbed him around the waist, pulling him up.” 

“Suicide isn’t the answer!” you grunted as you dragged him to the bathroom. 

“I’m tired of feeling like shit! I don’t want to feel anything anymore! Drugs don’t make me happy, sex rarely makes me happy, nothing permanently numbs the pain!” You threw him into the bathroom, forcing his face over the toilet. 

“And you think death’s going to do that?!” you screeched, forcing his mouth open and shoving your fingers down his throat. Hot, thick vomit dripped from his mouth, getting more on your hands than in the toilet. “Death doesn’t do shit! I lost the love of my life and I felt your pain! I felt the emptiness! I heard the voices telling me to kill myself! Death doesn’t end the pain, it makes it worse! I’m forced to stay in this God awful hotel! I’ve been here a hundred years and sure I have some good days, but my depression hasn’t gotten better! Death’s made it worse! Eren’s stuck on the _Titanic_ and I’m stuck here in New York all alone.” You made Levi throw up again. “Death isn’t the answer! I wish every single day I didn’t hang myself! I’m never gonna have children!” – More vomit poured from his mouth – “I’m never going to get married!” – Levi’s eyes started to close – “I’m never going to have a chance for happiness now that I’m dead! Come on, Levi! Stay with me! Don’t die on me!” He stopped you from making him throw up a fourth time, forcing your hand out of his mouth. 

“I don’t want to live anymore. Just let me die,” he told you. 

“No! I-I . . . where’s your phone? I’m calling an ambulance!” 

“It’s too late. I don’t know how long ago I took those pills.” 

“Death won’t help you! It won’t stop your depression! Come on, you’re gonna make it through this!” You snaked your fingers into his mouth, making him throw up one more time. He bit down hard, making you pull back. 

“For a dead girl, you were a good roommate,” he said. His eyes closed and your heart was ripped out of your chest for the second time in your life. 

“No, no no no no no Levi? Levi, stay with me! Stay with me! We’re gonna get you to a hospital, and you’re gonna live! We’ll get you some of those antidepressants, or something! I’ll help you get better! Just stay with me, Levi!” A primal sob ripped itself out of your throat, tears pouring out of your eyes in tiny rivulets. You put your ear over his heart, desperate to hear it beating. It wasn’t. “LEVI!” You sobbed into his shoulder, running your fingers through his black hair as the dark loneliness began to settle in again. 

“I never thought I’d get the chance to see my own corpse,” Levi’s baritone voice came from behind you. You dropped his body, flying at his ghost with your fists flying. 

“You bastard! You fucking inconsiderate bastard! How could you?!” you screeched, trying to land punches on him. “How could you do this to me?! How could you do this to Petra? To Hange? To Erwin? To any of your other hook-ups? You are such a jerk! I hate you!” 

“Oi, stop it.” He grabbed your wrists as you broke down, chest heaving as you let out agonized wails. 

“I h-hate you,” you sobbed. 

“I know, it’s been every other sentence out of your mouth,” he commented. “Come on, stop crying. Do you want some tea, or something?” 

“I can’t drink. I’m dead, you ass,” you seethed. 

“Right. I’m going to miss tea,” he commented. You pulled your wrists out of his hands and sat on his mattress. 

“You’re going to miss everything. You’re going to miss food, drinks, every little thing in life,” you said sourly. He sat beside you. “You’re going to regret killing yourself. And you’re going to regret the fact you’re never going to start a family, or have babies, or live the life you always dreamed of having.” 

“You wanted kids?” he asked. You nodded, sniffling as you tried to contain your tears. 

“Eren and I always talked about it. When he got to New York we were going to get married,” you told him. 

“I never knew that,” he muttered. 

“There are a lot of things I never told you,” you replied. 

“I always wanted to be a firefighter,” he confessed. “But . . . I guess I would have liked to have kids too. Just so long as they weren’t dirty brats.” You chuckled, wiping your eyes dry on the back of your hand. He faintly grinned, his face tinted with sadness. “I guess I’m never going to be able to do any of that now.” His face fell. “I always dreamed about saving people when I was a kid. Of rescuing people from burning buildings, or saving lives. Instead I got this shitty life . . . full of drugs and sex and emptiness.” He sighed, putting his hand over his forehead. “I was so sick of the pain. The only time I ever felt something different was high or getting fucked. I just wanted it to stop.” His voice cracked, lower lip trembling. “I just wanted to feel something other than pain and loneliness. But now I’m not going to be able to do the things I wanted, will? I’m never going to be a firefighter. Or a dad. I’m never going to be able to fix my life. I’m going to be stuck like this forever.” 

For the first time in his life, Levi sobbed and felt pain like he had never felt before.

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago I heard a story about a girl whose lover died on the _Titanic_ and how she hung herself out of grief in her hotel room when she got word of his death, so that myth partly inspired this fic. I've wanted to do depressed!Levi for a while so I chose to mesh my two ideas together.


End file.
